We're All Adults Here

I was recently in a situation where there was a lot of "I'm not sure what he thinks of me," "I think he likes me," "he always returns my calls right away," "hmmm... I haven't heard from him in a little while," and finally, "uhhh, yeah, he's definitely not into me." This situation is annoying. It stresses me out and wastes my time.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with dudes being in a different place than me or just not being into me (ok, I have a small problem with that). What I DO have a problem with, however, is the way that an overwhelming majority of people will just sort of hide and hope the unwanted person goes away, rather than actually communicate their thoughts. Not only does this lead to a lot of overthinking, but I think it increases the potential for awkwardness later on.

I was once dating a guy who flat out told me he didn't want to stop sleeping with other girls. A bit taken aback, I said, "Ok. Well, we're not going to keep sleeping together then." And it was over. And then many weeks later I ran into him out and about and then we kind of became fuck buddies. I was totally fine with it because I knew exactly where he stood. And therefore, where I stood.

My straight male best friend who I will not out here (but feel free to out yourself in the comments if you like) is, I believe, a permanent bachelor. He dates a lot of girls, rarely anything super serious. And he always got into situations where the girls would want more and he would be "trapped." I related the story of my above fuck buddy to him and told him how much I appreciated the honesty and maybe he should give it a shot. This sort of thing isn't easy, so I suggested the blurting technique I use whenever I find myself having to talk about something I don't want to talk about. Basically, it goes like this: just blurt it out. And make it something you can't backtrack from. You have to start big. In this case it would be, "I don't really want to date right now." This friend took my advice then and has been using it for the past few years with great success. Here's a conversation we had the other night:

Him: You know that girl that I had to have the talk with?
Me: No, I can't keep track of them all
Him: (describes her to me for a little while) Well, I had the talk with her and then we fucked the next night.

(Then some chatter back and forth.  Then I don't really remember what we said, so I'll recreate/make up the rest of it.)

Him: Bringing it up and talking about it has really been working for me. It was hard at first, but it's gotten so much easier (he really did say that last part).
Me: YES! Please spread the word to all men. Just tell the truth (or something similar to it) right off the bat! Save us the ruminating!!!

I don't know that he's actually going to do that (DO IT!), so I'll do it here. Lay your cards on the table early on. Please. The worrying and wondering is for the 14-25ish stage. It's bullshit and it wastes precious time and brain energy.  Now that we're a little older, please just stick with being up front about your thoughts and feelings.* We can take it. We're all adults here.

* This does not give you license to be a dick. Keep it civil.

Lex Has Emerged Mostly Unscathed

My ex came to visit me this weekend. Yes, this weekend. Valentine's weekend. It was a coincidence... the timing worked well for him because he's about to move and I had an extra-long weekend free of work. I'm not even sure he realized ahead of time about the Valentine's thing because he is, well, he's very bad with dates and times. Worse than anyone you've ever met. I'll just leave it at that.
To recap our relationship VERY quickly. We dated for 3 years; we broke up when I moved here in September 2007. We talked on and off and I was still in love with him. I went back to my previous city for a wedding and hung out with him for what ended up being The Night I Was Least In Control Of My Emotions. Let's just say I wanted to get back with him, he visibly recoiled when I tried to touch him, I sobbed for about 5 hours, and I threw some shit, slashed a painting I had done, and threw away everything in his apartment that was mine or related to me. The next day, I took some Xanax for the first time ever to make it through, got on a plane and sent him an email from my phone saying I was deleting him from Facebook, IM, etc. and that I couldn't talk to him in any way for a while. He was only allowed to contact me if someone died. Thus began 7 months of self-imposed ex exile.

It helped me a lot and eventually I got to the point where I missed him because he's a good person that I want in my life, not because I was lonely and sad and wanted him back as a BF. So I contacted him again. It was pretty baby steps initially, but eventually I saw him for a night over New Year's. We were both nervous, but it went well and we were great at being Just Friends. So now he's moving and he needs some money and also wanted to hang out and it just so happens that I wanted to hang out, have some money, and wanted a painting for my living room (he's a painter). So he brought out a painting and we ate and drank and talked a lot. Over Valentine's weekend. I'm not going to say there weren't a couple of snags and some tears and some confusion, but we emerged in a good state. And I didn't sleep with him, despite that fact that EVERY ONE OF MY FRIENDS thought this would surely happen. All in all, pretty good stuff. I'm proud of me, I'm proud of him.

Oh Yeah

Also, I'm back! Well, trying to be. We'll see how long I keep it up.

Things I Don't Understand

1. Littering
2. People telling me they're going to do something and then not doing it/general blowing of smoke up my ass
3. Crocs
4. Government jobs
5. Men
6. Phish
There are probably more, but I haven't blogged in almost a year, so I'm still a little rusty. Bear with me.


Ok. Some of these things I understand a little bit.
1. I believe this stems from self-centeredness and a total lack of thought.
2. They're just trying to appease me and have no idea that, ultimately, I'm going to be way more annoyed.
3. For kids, I understand this. You can just hose these off. For adults, c'mon, you're adults. You have no excuse.
4. I work for the government. We waste a lot of money. A shit ton of money. Some of your taxes (a good bit of them?) are going down the drain. I think it's because of unions. I don't know enough about unions to talk shit about them, but I'm pretty sure total deadweights are keeping their jobs because of unions.
5. Ok, this one I don't understand at all. Enlighten me. PLEASE.
6. It must be the drugs. Well, I've tried a few drugs over the years and even those didn't make this horrifying music any better, so really, I don't know what it is.

Recycle Your Small Electronics for Free

Just thought I'd post about this because I think it's awesome.

You get a prepaid envelope from the post office (make sure your city participates) and just send your old small electronics in. They refurbish it or reuse whatever parts they can. Good deal! Read this to learn more...

http://www.webwire.com/ViewPressRel.asp?aId=61331

Everything's Coming Up Millhouse, I mean Milhouse

Life is getting better. This past weekend was my first normal person weekend. In other words, I hung out with people (instead of alone) and had a super fun time. ALL weekend! A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and a Thai massage. Good stuff!

I have to go to work now, so I can't expound, but I'm hoping/thinking I'm not going to be such a Debbie Downer anymore. Thank god, how tiring and off-putting!

A Reflection

Tomorrow my brother is getting married and I have to say, I'm pretty... well, I was going to say "nonplussed," but I just looked it up and that's not what I mean. Um, what I'm trying to say is that I don't really have any strong feelings about his marriage and I'm wondering why that is. I am, of course, happy for him and her and happy that they make each other happy, but the whole marriage is not stirring up a whole lot of emotion for me. Here are some guesses as to why:

1. I'm emotionally dead inside. That one's just to be funny. Life has been rough lately, but I'm optimistic that it has not killed my outlook or potential for better things.

2. It's a small affair (him, her, me, her best friend--that's it. I will be serving as the witness/photographer).

3. They've been dating and living together for something like 8 or 9 years, so I kind of have "it's about time" feelings.

4. Maybe I don't really care about marriage. I really don't know what I think about marriage. I, myself, would like to be with someone, but I don't know that I've ever had strong feelings about making it official by putting it on paper. It seems like it's more official if you seal it with a baby or something. Also, I'm not a big fan of weddings. My ex seems to love weddings and I would think to myself, "If we ever get married, I'm just going to have to grin and bear it because he's definitely going to want something big." Looks like I won't be dealing with that though. Bullet dodged?

That's all I've come up with so far.

I love my brother dearly, even though he can be a real asshole sometimes. I know he's always got my back and we've always gotten along very well. He's prone to telling me what an awesome sister I am when he's drunk, which I find somewhat endearing. But anyway, it's been interesting to me in the past few weeks how ironic it is that my brother is currently experiencing one of his happiest moments while I am pretty much unhappy about every aspect of my life. That's a bit of an exaggeration. I like my hair, for example. But I'm not happy with 1) my job, 2) my lack of friends in this city, and 3) my lack of boyfriend. Those are pretty damn important things, so they are taking precedent over my good hair. The other day I stopped by my brother's and was walking home when he called me to tell me something he had forgotten to tell me while I was at his house. It went something like this:

"So I got home from my soccer game this morning and I was sitting on the floor with the dog because I didn't want to get the couch dirty and I started thinking about how great my life is. I've got an awesome girlfriend that I'm going to marry soon, I love my dog, we have a great apartment, I love my job. And then I looked down in the carpet and found a little nug of weed!"

My response: "So you found your own weed? Congratulations." It was kind of a bitter response, but I was laughing while I said it. And I appreciated how happy he is because you want your loved ones to be happy. But I couldn't help but thinking, "That's awesome. My life, on the other hand, sucks." I kept it to myself because there's no use bringing other people down.

And then the other day, I was telling him how I was having trouble sleeping. I wake up at 4 in the morning and my mind immediately starts racing. Once the brain starts moving, going back to sleep is impossible. He couldn't understand how I could be having trouble sleeping. I kind of wanted to yell, "Maybe it's because I hate my life right now!" I can't really kill his good mood though. It's good for me to be around and my hating my life only hits me hard every now and then. Most of the time it's an annoying thing that I just deal with, knowing that it will eventually get better. I have faith in that. I've moved enough to know that all of that takes time.

So I will just sit here quietly, basking in my brother's happiness, and doing what I can to make that moment when I start meeting people happen sooner.

HAHAHA. The last line's the best

Should you think this is somehow about me, you're mistaken. Shame on you, you should know I don't really wear white.

One Year

So here I am, exactly one year after I quit school and moved back to Atlanta from Spain. Here I am in Los Angeles writing about it. Thinking about the past year is pretty bittersweet, possibly more bitter than sweet, though I think my current situation is probably coloring that view. Here's why: I left school because I hated it and, as I explained to my advisor, I thought that I should be happy in both the work and personal/social parts of my life. I was happy with the social stuff (assuming everything would just fall back into place once I got back to the States, I guess), but I was very unhappy with school. So I left and that is still one of the best decisions I've ever made. Unfortunately, that good decision I think was followed by a whole slew of bad decisions which have ultimately lead me to where I am now: unhappy with both my personal/social and work lives. I know I need to have patience though. With the amount of change that I've experienced lately, of course everything is in turmoil. But those of you that know me well know that I am one of the least patient people around, so it's hard.

People say to me, "Well at least you're in LA, where you've always wanted to be," and that's kind of depressing because moving back here, though I do love it, made me realize that the place is not really the most important thing. Relationships--with friends, boyfriends, family--that's what really does it for me. And apologies to my family, but I know they'll always be there for me as long as they're alive, so I've already taken them somewhat for granted. So here I am with all of my best friends thousands of miles away and an ex-boyfriend that I wish was a current boyfriend who finds it too difficult to talk to me much (I could go on and on about this--what is it about guys and not being able to talk because it's too painful?? Both of my exes have said this to me and I saw the Savages last weekend and Philip Seymour Hoffman's character did it in that too!). The situation--my life, that is--is less than stellar.

So it looks like another renaissance for me, starting a year after my last renaissance. Slowly but surely, I have to remake my life into something that I love. It's fucking exhausting.

Guys Who Frequent Hookers Are Shitty Writers

I just read about this site elsewhere and got sucked in (pun unintended). The site is called Letters from Johns and it's an interesting concept. It doesn't say much for johns though: the only guy who is a good writer penned the entry titled: "I Have Come to the Conclusion That Hookers Are Not For Me." Reading this is going to make you want to read the other entries. It's ok though. It's a new site and there aren't that many entries.

Friday is my Geburtstag. I have a bunch of friends flying in for it. I AM EXTREMELY EXCITED.

Merry Christmas to Me

Once again I've fallen behind so much that it's pointless to try to catch up, so let's just say I have my own place now and a bed and life is better in that sense. I don't have any furniture yet, but my couch is in the warehouse, so I might by tomorrow!

So here's why it's Merry Christmas for me. The other night I came home and there were no parking spots (there is no parking at my apt.). I tried to squeeze into a spot and did a decent job. Until I realized the next day that I'd totally damaged the bumper of the guy in front of me. You see, here in California, license plates on the front of your car are mandatory. I'm not used to that and my car is somewhat ill-equipped for that. The set up right now makes it so that I basically have a bunch of sharp, puncture-y, scrapey stuff on my front bumper. Which I forget about.

There was a good amount of paint missing (a section larger than a candy bar) and some dents (almost-punctures). A good upbringing, guilt, and fear of karma all collided and I left a note, with my number. I was bummed because I'm very broke and that was pretty much the last thing I needed. But Kris Kringle must have felt my pain because that person never called me! It's been 4 days, so I'm feeling pretty safe, let's just hope I haven't jinxed myself.

Parents are coming into town tomorrow. A few hours later, I will be dining on a steak au poivre. MMMMMM...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

*****Update! The owner of car just called me. I didn't get the call, but she left the nicest message (and she has a totally soothing British accent). Anyway, she said that the paint had already been chipping off for a while and then she thanked me for leaving the note. Yay!!

Beyoncé

So I just realized that Beyoncé spells her name with an accent on the last syllable.

But the accent is actually on the middle syllable.

Is this allowed?

Whoa.

Are misused apostrophes a grammar issue or a punctuation issue? I just thought about that and I have no idea. A friend has just suggested that punctuation is part of grammar, a chapter in the grammar book. Not knowing this is somewhat perplexing to me, but not enough so that I will actually look it up. Just enough to make me write about it.

Misused Apostrophes

Ah, the misused apostrophe, quite possible my biggest pet peeve (I have several, if I'm going to be honest). I don't know if they don't teach grammar any more or this is just something that people have forgotten since they were in grade school (because I think it's mostly adults who err in this way), but people put apostrophes where they shouldn't be or omit them entirely A LOT. I know, because I think I notice it every time. I feel sometimes as if I am plagued by misplaced apostrophes. I swear they're following me.

While it's possible that some of these are typos (I admit I just accidentally misused an apostrophe above [but FIXED it of course]), I see far too many of these for all these wandering apostrophes to exist in unintentional error.

A few months ago, I went to Canada for a wedding and had a four hour layover in Detroit on the way home. With nothing else to do, I planted myself at a bar with a book. I glanced up occasionally because the book wasn't that great and I noticed a sign advertising the following:

"JENNIFERS RECOMMENDED COCKTAIL'S"

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???!?!?!?!??!?!!? Never had I seen this before. TWO apostrophe errors in the same phrase!

People seem to make the mistake because of the same incorrect/unknown/apparently irrelevant simple rules. Here's a little grammar lesson:

* Apostrophes show ownership. If the noun that is doing the owning is singular, the word should end in ('s). If that noun is plural, since there's already an s there, it should end in (s'). If the noun is one of those plural words that doesn't happen to end in s (for example, women), it should end in ('s). In other words, if it already ends in s, just add the apostrophe at the end. If not, it's ('s).

* WORDS NEVER NEED AN APOSTROPHE TO MAKE THEM PLURAL. I can't say that enough.

* Apostrophes are used in contractions. I don't have enough time to list all the contractions here, but I've used several in this post (two in this sentence). Contractions are two words put together, the first word spelled out completely, the second word truncated. The apostrophe stands for the missing letters and it should go where those missing letters would be. When I was a TA, I was horrified to learn that many of my students had apparently never learned about contractions. You wouldn't believe how many "would of"s and "should of"s I got in papers. In case you're reading this and are confused, "would've" is a contraction for "would have" and has nothing to do with "of."

* And finally, we come to "it's/its." This one can be tricky and I readily admit to thinking about it every time I write it (and to using the wrong one when in a rush). It is actually simple if you just stop to think about it. It's means "it is." Its is the one that shows ownership.

And there you have them. I think those are all the rules for apostrophes. I may have forgotten something–I'm no English teacher after all. But I was once an English student and, call me crazy, I thought that grammar was one of the few things I learned in school that would be useful for the rest of my life.

*Disclaimer* I'm not saying I never make grammatical errors. Or that I don't purposely misuse grammar for things like blog posts. I'm not an all-around grammar Nazi. It's really only the apostrophes (actually, the apostrophe's) that gets to me.

****UPDATE**** Do you guys read the comments? I'm not sure, but if you don't, manunderstress directed me to a blog that is based on quotation mark misuse. This particular grammatical error doesn't personally bug me as much, but the blog is awesome. Check it out and thanks, manunderstress!
p.s. this has possibly inspired me to start photographing all the stray apostrophes I see and to start accepting your submissions of the same. I'm not saying/promising that this is what this blog is going to turn into, but I am sort of feeling the need to document the extent of this grammatical tragedy. (Ha, I know that's overly dramatic, but it's 5:43 a.m. and I'm up for the day since my roomies/providers of shelter have chosen this ungodly hour to wake up.)

Rank Your Servants

I am not a fan of cooking. While I'm not a shitty cook, I'm not great either and I enjoy eating great food. I also hate cooking for one because it's time consuming and I am a food-scarfer. I also get tired of the same food and leftovers frequently hibernate in the fridge for a few weeks until I admit to myself that I won't eat them and just throw them away.

So, if I could afford some sort of servant,* my first choice would be a cook. Not only would I not have to cook, but I think s/he would make me healthy stuff. And maybe buy my groceries (do they do that?). I mentioned this to my brother and he said he was going outside for a minute, but when he came back, we should have a conversation about our favorite servants. We didn't, so now I'm having it here with you, dear readers.

1. Cook
2. (tie) Driver, Massage Therapist

These are actually all I really need (need–ha!). The rest are more superfluous.

3. Personal shopper
4. Personal trainer
5. Housekeeper
6. Pool boy (or girl) At this point, I assume I would have a pool.
7. Aquarium specialist/consultant/tank cleaner (because I'd have crazy fish tanks at this point too)

Let's get back to #2 (the driver part). I have absolutely no idea why celebrities get DUIs. If I had that kind of money, I would have someone driving me around EVERYWHERE, DAY or NIGHT. I just don't get it. Imagine it–great night at the club, dancing on tables, drinking Cristal. How great would it be to just cuddle up and pass out in the backseat while your driver escorts you home?

So, if I can figure it out, I'm going to do a little poll (look to the right) and you can vote on your #1 servant.

*"Servant" seems like it's not the most PC word, but I can't think of an alternative.

Real Quick!

I have a bunch of post ideas written down, but for now I'm going to do some reading. I think it will improve my writing. You can be the judge.

A Quick Catch Up

So I'm in LA now. The road trip out was ok. Not fabulous, not terrible. C and I were both sick. The first day of driving (Atlanta-Memphis), C slept the whole time while I was tripping out on Day-Quil (I had to pull over for a little while so my eyes would stop doing crazy things). Went to Graceland, which was pretty cool. The 70s sure were colorful. And tacky.



We spent that night at a hotel that I think was a sex hotel. There was a sign at the check-in that said, "No X-Rated Movies." I thought they meant watching them; C thought they meant filming them. There was a BIG mirror on the wall next to the bed that could only be a sex mirror (right?). How can you have a mirror like that and prohibit filming? The place grossed me out a little and reminded me of a terrible stay at an Extended Stay America (which is a good story that I should tell here sometime), but was actually exponentially better. Nonetheless, I didn't shower. It would have required flip flops.

We drove 1000 miles the next day. And close to 1000 the next day. Here are some pix from that:

The Continental Divide (I think)

We went to an ostrich farm.


An amazing California sunset


And the low moon to the east


Got to California a day early after skipping the Grand Canyon.

C and I hung out for about a week. I was savoring my last bits of time with him. I cried a lot when he left and am weirded out and totally uncomfortable with the fact that I'm single now. I went to the dog park later that day and a straight guy started talking to me. He wasn't flirting, it was just idle dog park chatter but it freaked me out. I was short with him because I didn't want there to be any sort of misunderstanding, like I was flirting with him. Treating other people not nicely for this reason is lame, but I think a little unavoidable for now, until I get myself a little bit more under control.

I got a job! That's very exciting, but what's less than exciting is the fact that I have to wait 2-3 (or maybe 4) weeks until I can start it. It's with a highly bureaucratic place and paperwork, fingerprinting, and physicals are holding up the process. I'd like to get started as soon as possible because I'm curious about the job, but also because I need money. Without a paycheck, I can't get an apartment. Without an apartment, I can't use all of my stuff. You see, my stuff is all in boxes still, in my brother and his girlfriend's shed. They are extremely graciously hosting me during this homeless period. I am super thankful that they are so cool with my presence, but I need my own space and inflating and deflating my bed daily (not to mention not sleeping in a real bed) is getting to me.

I'm poor, so I can't do much. I would go to the beach, but that eats up a lot of gas. To pass the time and to possibly get the opportunity to make some cash, I tried out for a game show the other day. You haven't heard of it, trust me. It's advertised as "requiring no skill or trivia knowledge." It does involve deception, something I don't really have a lot of experience with. We'll see if I was cute and exciting enough to make the cut and play the game. I could win $10,000, which would be AMAZING, but I'm not banking on it.

That's pretty much all that's going on. I'm going to some shows (saw the Avengers, who still rock 25+ years after their prime), wasting a lot of time. Every now and then I think of little things/thoughts to blog about, but they are, um, little, so I haven't. But I've decided that brief is better than nothing, so I'll probably be doing some mini blog posts here and there. I've forgotten most of my ideas at the moment and I'm not feeling particularly creative anyway, so I'll leave them for later.

Amazing

I Really Couldn't Have Said it Better

When I tell people I'm moving to LA or that I love LA, more often than not (from people that have been there), I will get a response like, "Really??" These people–especially my mom–then ask me to tell them what I like about LA. You have all seen my list (which I would link if that option were functioning) already; responding with said list always ends up being a bit banal. It's like there's this essence that I'm incapable of putting into words. I just read this quote from David Lynch and I think he gets at part of it:

"I love Los Angeles. I know a lot of people go there and they see just a huge sprawl of sameness. But when you're there for awhile, you realize that each section has its own mood. The golden age of cinema is still alive there, in the smell of jasmine at night and the beautiful weather. And the light is inspiring and energizing. Even with smog, there's something about that light that's not harsh, but bright and smooth. It fills me with the feeling that all possibilities are available. I don't know why. It's different from the light in other places. It was the light that brought everybody to L.A. to make films in the early days. It's still a beautiful place.”

I particularly agree with the first two sentences. And there is something about the light, or maybe it's the sunsets. I just remember that I frequently found myself admiring the sky and very rarely did the thought ever come up that it looked that way because of the smog. I'm getting a little giddy about thinking of doing it again.

It's Just Funny To Hear Someone Say Orgasm So Much