Beyoncé

So I just realized that Beyoncé spells her name with an accent on the last syllable.

But the accent is actually on the middle syllable.

Is this allowed?

Whoa.

Are misused apostrophes a grammar issue or a punctuation issue? I just thought about that and I have no idea. A friend has just suggested that punctuation is part of grammar, a chapter in the grammar book. Not knowing this is somewhat perplexing to me, but not enough so that I will actually look it up. Just enough to make me write about it.

Misused Apostrophes

Ah, the misused apostrophe, quite possible my biggest pet peeve (I have several, if I'm going to be honest). I don't know if they don't teach grammar any more or this is just something that people have forgotten since they were in grade school (because I think it's mostly adults who err in this way), but people put apostrophes where they shouldn't be or omit them entirely A LOT. I know, because I think I notice it every time. I feel sometimes as if I am plagued by misplaced apostrophes. I swear they're following me.

While it's possible that some of these are typos (I admit I just accidentally misused an apostrophe above [but FIXED it of course]), I see far too many of these for all these wandering apostrophes to exist in unintentional error.

A few months ago, I went to Canada for a wedding and had a four hour layover in Detroit on the way home. With nothing else to do, I planted myself at a bar with a book. I glanced up occasionally because the book wasn't that great and I noticed a sign advertising the following:

"JENNIFERS RECOMMENDED COCKTAIL'S"

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat???!?!?!?!??!?!!? Never had I seen this before. TWO apostrophe errors in the same phrase!

People seem to make the mistake because of the same incorrect/unknown/apparently irrelevant simple rules. Here's a little grammar lesson:

* Apostrophes show ownership. If the noun that is doing the owning is singular, the word should end in ('s). If that noun is plural, since there's already an s there, it should end in (s'). If the noun is one of those plural words that doesn't happen to end in s (for example, women), it should end in ('s). In other words, if it already ends in s, just add the apostrophe at the end. If not, it's ('s).

* WORDS NEVER NEED AN APOSTROPHE TO MAKE THEM PLURAL. I can't say that enough.

* Apostrophes are used in contractions. I don't have enough time to list all the contractions here, but I've used several in this post (two in this sentence). Contractions are two words put together, the first word spelled out completely, the second word truncated. The apostrophe stands for the missing letters and it should go where those missing letters would be. When I was a TA, I was horrified to learn that many of my students had apparently never learned about contractions. You wouldn't believe how many "would of"s and "should of"s I got in papers. In case you're reading this and are confused, "would've" is a contraction for "would have" and has nothing to do with "of."

* And finally, we come to "it's/its." This one can be tricky and I readily admit to thinking about it every time I write it (and to using the wrong one when in a rush). It is actually simple if you just stop to think about it. It's means "it is." Its is the one that shows ownership.

And there you have them. I think those are all the rules for apostrophes. I may have forgotten something–I'm no English teacher after all. But I was once an English student and, call me crazy, I thought that grammar was one of the few things I learned in school that would be useful for the rest of my life.

*Disclaimer* I'm not saying I never make grammatical errors. Or that I don't purposely misuse grammar for things like blog posts. I'm not an all-around grammar Nazi. It's really only the apostrophes (actually, the apostrophe's) that gets to me.

****UPDATE**** Do you guys read the comments? I'm not sure, but if you don't, manunderstress directed me to a blog that is based on quotation mark misuse. This particular grammatical error doesn't personally bug me as much, but the blog is awesome. Check it out and thanks, manunderstress!
p.s. this has possibly inspired me to start photographing all the stray apostrophes I see and to start accepting your submissions of the same. I'm not saying/promising that this is what this blog is going to turn into, but I am sort of feeling the need to document the extent of this grammatical tragedy. (Ha, I know that's overly dramatic, but it's 5:43 a.m. and I'm up for the day since my roomies/providers of shelter have chosen this ungodly hour to wake up.)

Rank Your Servants

I am not a fan of cooking. While I'm not a shitty cook, I'm not great either and I enjoy eating great food. I also hate cooking for one because it's time consuming and I am a food-scarfer. I also get tired of the same food and leftovers frequently hibernate in the fridge for a few weeks until I admit to myself that I won't eat them and just throw them away.

So, if I could afford some sort of servant,* my first choice would be a cook. Not only would I not have to cook, but I think s/he would make me healthy stuff. And maybe buy my groceries (do they do that?). I mentioned this to my brother and he said he was going outside for a minute, but when he came back, we should have a conversation about our favorite servants. We didn't, so now I'm having it here with you, dear readers.

1. Cook
2. (tie) Driver, Massage Therapist

These are actually all I really need (need–ha!). The rest are more superfluous.

3. Personal shopper
4. Personal trainer
5. Housekeeper
6. Pool boy (or girl) At this point, I assume I would have a pool.
7. Aquarium specialist/consultant/tank cleaner (because I'd have crazy fish tanks at this point too)

Let's get back to #2 (the driver part). I have absolutely no idea why celebrities get DUIs. If I had that kind of money, I would have someone driving me around EVERYWHERE, DAY or NIGHT. I just don't get it. Imagine it–great night at the club, dancing on tables, drinking Cristal. How great would it be to just cuddle up and pass out in the backseat while your driver escorts you home?

So, if I can figure it out, I'm going to do a little poll (look to the right) and you can vote on your #1 servant.

*"Servant" seems like it's not the most PC word, but I can't think of an alternative.

Real Quick!

I have a bunch of post ideas written down, but for now I'm going to do some reading. I think it will improve my writing. You can be the judge.

A Quick Catch Up

So I'm in LA now. The road trip out was ok. Not fabulous, not terrible. C and I were both sick. The first day of driving (Atlanta-Memphis), C slept the whole time while I was tripping out on Day-Quil (I had to pull over for a little while so my eyes would stop doing crazy things). Went to Graceland, which was pretty cool. The 70s sure were colorful. And tacky.



We spent that night at a hotel that I think was a sex hotel. There was a sign at the check-in that said, "No X-Rated Movies." I thought they meant watching them; C thought they meant filming them. There was a BIG mirror on the wall next to the bed that could only be a sex mirror (right?). How can you have a mirror like that and prohibit filming? The place grossed me out a little and reminded me of a terrible stay at an Extended Stay America (which is a good story that I should tell here sometime), but was actually exponentially better. Nonetheless, I didn't shower. It would have required flip flops.

We drove 1000 miles the next day. And close to 1000 the next day. Here are some pix from that:

The Continental Divide (I think)

We went to an ostrich farm.


An amazing California sunset


And the low moon to the east


Got to California a day early after skipping the Grand Canyon.

C and I hung out for about a week. I was savoring my last bits of time with him. I cried a lot when he left and am weirded out and totally uncomfortable with the fact that I'm single now. I went to the dog park later that day and a straight guy started talking to me. He wasn't flirting, it was just idle dog park chatter but it freaked me out. I was short with him because I didn't want there to be any sort of misunderstanding, like I was flirting with him. Treating other people not nicely for this reason is lame, but I think a little unavoidable for now, until I get myself a little bit more under control.

I got a job! That's very exciting, but what's less than exciting is the fact that I have to wait 2-3 (or maybe 4) weeks until I can start it. It's with a highly bureaucratic place and paperwork, fingerprinting, and physicals are holding up the process. I'd like to get started as soon as possible because I'm curious about the job, but also because I need money. Without a paycheck, I can't get an apartment. Without an apartment, I can't use all of my stuff. You see, my stuff is all in boxes still, in my brother and his girlfriend's shed. They are extremely graciously hosting me during this homeless period. I am super thankful that they are so cool with my presence, but I need my own space and inflating and deflating my bed daily (not to mention not sleeping in a real bed) is getting to me.

I'm poor, so I can't do much. I would go to the beach, but that eats up a lot of gas. To pass the time and to possibly get the opportunity to make some cash, I tried out for a game show the other day. You haven't heard of it, trust me. It's advertised as "requiring no skill or trivia knowledge." It does involve deception, something I don't really have a lot of experience with. We'll see if I was cute and exciting enough to make the cut and play the game. I could win $10,000, which would be AMAZING, but I'm not banking on it.

That's pretty much all that's going on. I'm going to some shows (saw the Avengers, who still rock 25+ years after their prime), wasting a lot of time. Every now and then I think of little things/thoughts to blog about, but they are, um, little, so I haven't. But I've decided that brief is better than nothing, so I'll probably be doing some mini blog posts here and there. I've forgotten most of my ideas at the moment and I'm not feeling particularly creative anyway, so I'll leave them for later.

Amazing